12:04 pm August 29th, 2006
Care & Feeding of the [Lyn]…

Painting with broad strokes, it’s generally a good idea to not tell me things unless I ask for information. I’m a bright girl; I know a lot of common knowledge things and am good about asking for information when I don’t know something. I get irritated when I’m told things that a moment’s thinking should suggest I already know.

But, worse that that… ye gods, don’t ever tell me what I’m thinking, what I want, what I’m feeling. Not to put too fine a point on it, but you don’t know. Yo’re not in here, and assuming you know what I want/feel/think more than I do is an onforgivable arrogance.

Feel free to suggest that my words and my actions don’t seem to be in line, of course (“You said you liked him, and then you spit in his coffee. That doesn’t seem to make any sense” but not “Bah, you don’t like him!”)

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I know I’ve covered this before, but…

Phrasing is really, really important when dealing with a Lyn, especially a stressed/sick/tired one. (Which all of the above I am, right now).

Thus: should is a bad word. Unless you are directly trying to instill a sense of obligation in me (there are situations in which this is okay), please do not use it. It will stress me the fuck out, because I do not have room for that many more obligations right now. Why don’t you… is almost as bad.

I would like it if is a nice phrasing. That’s a gentle one, that doesn’t make me feel battered upon.

Have you considered/thought about… is nice, too.

This will make it easier for me to deal with you, and cause me less stress in the long run.

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I am feeling particularly touchy right now about

your protagonists are evil and your setting is evil and this story is evil.

For the next 24 to 48 hours, I will block with impunity people who want to engage in that conversation with me.

This entry was originally posted at http://aldersprig.dreamwidth.org/585776.html. You can comment here or there.

I’m going to put this behind a cut because it’s coming off a bit cranky. Read at your own risk.

I don’t do well with setting boundaries; I don’t do well with enforcing them.

I do really well with learning other people’s and trying to respect that (Wyst says I am too good at trying to respect other people’s boundaries, actually), and I tend to expect other people will do the same for me, which would be a lot more reasonable if I was more clear on those boundaries, yes.

But I’m beginning to at least learn where they are. Generally by realizing when I’m really, really angry and stopping to take a look.

Here’s some new ones.

This one’s a deal-breaker, too:

• Do not presume that my mental health should occur on your agenda.
  To start with, assuming that I’m not working on something because you don’t see change is pretty arrogant. To continue – I work on fixing things based on my mental comfort, my life, my marriage, my friendships, and my job, in about that order. So, you know, I might have something taking my energy that isn’t the brainweasel you think I ought to evict today.

  (Side note: Please see other boundaries, especially the one regarding “should,” this one)

• Please don’t tell me how I should be feeling. It’s silencing (I learned this phrase recently, and it startles me how much it fits.) It’s just… just don’t do it, okay?
• This one isn’t a boundary as much as it’s a tip: If you want to know how I’m feeling (emotions), ask. I won’t lie to you if asked directly.

It feels like there ought to be more, but that’s what I’ve got so far today

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Please don’t make definitive statements about who/how I am. You’re probably wrong, and, in the meantime, you’ll upset me.

I’m talking about “you like to do this. You’re this sort of person.” Not “You’re tall.”

Modifiers are your friend. “It seems like; it looks like…” those things make me really happy. “It seems like you like this?”